12.26.2006

One-Upmanship

This is what capitalism is all about.

12.20.2006

The Purpose of Life

It was a mega-weekend topped by a mega-wedding. I’m told the guest list totaled 600 people, most of us raucous Persian Jews lookin’ to partay. We don’t mess when it comes to weddings, which are the whole Purpose of Life according to the Persian Jew Handbook (you can check for yourself, it’s referred to as such on pages 1, 2, 3, 5-90, 101-126, 129 and 140).

When a baby is born, people say, “Ishallah beyaim aroosi’sh” which means, “G-d willing, we’ll come to his/her wedding.” This is a very nice blessing to give new Persian parents. If you want to be even nicer, you’ll go on and on about the wonderful qualities of the bride or groom G-d should bless the baby with. You know, ishallah a doctor or a lawyer, someone who loves G-d and Judaism and family. Repeat incessantly as the baby’s diaper is being changed.

When the kid is bar or bat mitzvahed, dance around the parents and wish for a happy wedding. Kiss the newly-pubescent child on both cheeks and tell him or her that you are looking forward to coming to the wedding. Do the same upon high school graduation, college graduation, and in cases where the aforementioned child has failed to snag the ring on the merry-go-round of life, upon graduate school graduation, now raising your open hands to the heavens and appealing to G-d to pleeeease make this wedding happen.

Once the now grown-up child, who is unfortunately but undeniably (tsk, tsk, already 26!!) becoming “torshideh” or pickled (aka a spinster) finally, finally decides to get married, the parents invite everyone they know in the world for the biggest bash they can imagine. If they have to refinance their house, they do it. If they have to sell their liver in China, they do it. They want to share this abundant joy with everyone they ever crossed paths with, because the Purpose of Life is finally being fulfilled! What occasion could be graced with more import and significance?

There is one. Only one. Refer to Persian Jew Handbook pages 1-140. There, you see it? The Birth of the First Born Child. As everyone is preparing for the mega-wedding, as they keep in mind that every task completed for the wedding party is a step towards realizing the Purpose of Life, they are not fully content. Whether this resistance to complete contentment is a Persian characteristic or a Jewish one, when you have Persian Jews, you have double the trouble. As wedding preparations are being made, every decent Persian Jew is saying to each other, to the parents, and most of all, to the beleaguered bride and groom, “Ishallah beyaim b’Brit Millah bachaht” which means “G-d willing, we’ll come to the Bris of your child.”

Now that you are properly schooled in the basics, as outlined in the Persian Jew Handbook, you don’t need me to tell you what they say when this child is finally born.